Such peace in my life right now.
Love unites and aligns in ways I’d only dreamt it could
The future is bright and full of challenge and adventure.
Challenge, not fear…fear is losing its grip on me as
Love unites and aligns.
Building a life with him, a future with him
Trust and commitment have set me free.
The inside illustrations of the book I made for my book making class! It was an open assignment so I took the chance to illustrate Kate Bush’s song “Snow Flake” from her album “50 Words For Snow” (Listen to it while you look at the images!). All the text on pages are lyrics from her song and there is a back page crediting her, though I forgot to grab a picture of it before the teacher took the book to grade it.
All illustrations are mine and are done in watercolor pencils as well as normal water color paints. The book pages were uploaded in order so you should have no problem getting an experience close to actually holding the accordion book. Hope you guys enjoy!
To anyone out there who is gay/bi/demisexual and struggled with parental acceptance, this story is for you.
I was fifteen when I first told my mom that I had a crush on another boy at school. I had had crushes on girls as well, but this was different, more tender. And being the crazy old-fashioned romantic that I am, I dreamt of spending the rest of my days with him in committed, monogamous bliss. My mom’s reaction was one of disgust and tears. She told me she was sorry for failing me as a parent and that if I went down “that road” I was in for a life of misery, disease, and heartbreak. She implored her then fifteen year old son to just “wait a little while and have sex with a woman. You’ll see that you’re actually straight.” I was so crushed. I felt misunderstood and worthless. Perhaps most crushing was that my mother’s unconditional love for me now felt conditional.
I put the crush aside as it was not meant to be. I ended up dating several women, and actually falling in love with one in a committed relationship. My mother would occasionally bring up my high school admission and say things like, “aren’t you glad you didn’t end up gay?” As happy as I was with the young woman, I never felt comfortable in the relationship or that I could be fully myself. Se judged me for my more quirky elements and I was on pins and needles that it would end at any moment. It did, and I was heartbroken, but I see now how faulty that relationship was.
After it had been over a couple years I tried to date a guy for the first time. He was not the right one for me, and it ended very badly. Not just because he wasn’t right for me, but because I had a great deal of gay panic and anxiety that I was destroying my life by being with a man. The most we ever did was make out. I told my mom this and she was disgusted. She then accidentally took a sip of my water and had a major freak out that she would get aids from drinking after me. Mind you, I’d only KISSED this man. I felt so dirty and abhorrent. My heart was breaking that my mom viewed me as a lepper now just because I’d kissed another man. Her ignorance on aids and how it is transmitted was truly shocking for the 2000s.
I never gave up on her. I slowly educated her, watched shows with gay positive characters like Glee and The New Normal with her. Yes, these shows do embody stereotypes, but I knew if my mom saw being gay in a non-threatening even sweet televised way that the mirroring of it would begin to change her mind. Who am I kidding? Those shows helped normalize being gay for me as well. Mirroring is a powerful and healthy thing.
I do identify as gay now, despite incredibly strong demisexual mechanisms. Perhaps I am homo-romantic demisexual rather than just plain old demisexual. But labels aside, somehow over the years of giving my mom patience and time, she began to accept me. Truly accept me. She is a terrible lier and I FEEL her truth and sincerity now. I am proud to have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. I have fallen for him faster than I ever thought possible. We click so well together and have similar ideals, values, taste, etc. Perhaps most importantly, it feels so right. A scarred heart protects itself with lots of walls and anxiety. He has broken through every wall, and begun healing my world in ways I still don’t fully understand.
I have been talking openly to my mom about his boldness, his vulnerability and romance. Without even a tinge of regret or sadness, she says, “I am so happy for you. He sounds like the man you’ve been waiting for for a long time now.” I’ve shared many of his sweet comments and demonstrations of support and love with my mom and she has beamed about all of them. It took extra boldness, however, to share with her how right and wonderful it felt to wake up in his arms the other morning. She genuinely “awwed” and told me how happy she was for me.
So yes, my mom has become more than awesome. She has become the biggest supporter of my boyfriend and I that we have…don’t give up on your parents if they shun you. Don’t let it destroy your heart or make you bitter. Given time, education, patience, and love, they may come around just like my mom did. I still have other issues with her, but she has become part of my life again in ways I didn’t think she ever would. It was worth it not to give up on her. And it may be worth it for you not to give up on yours.
“That Grand melody.” A new original painting by Felix d’Eon, newly available on his website for 175 dollars. Click the link to check it out!
Charles Matton - Enclosures (ongoing project) - Handmade miniature interiors
Pretty darn nifty. Look at the detail!!
These remind me a lot of the Thorne Miniatures at the Phoenix Art Museum and Art Institute of Chicago…Just wonderful! Would love to see these in person…visiting the Thorne Miniatures has always brought me so much joy.